The Bliss of Ignorance

I am aging. I don't care what you 50 somethings say, I am getting old. As of Sunday, I am officially in my late 20s, which means, I'm kind of a grown up.

I know growing up isn't all bad, but I really, really liked being young. But for now, I've decided to grab life by the horns, accept the fact that I am too old to shop in some stores, and drive my minivan like the mama that I am.

The good thing about getting up in years is that you do get wiser. You learn things that you could only possibly learn from life experience and from "being there". I often find myself thinking, "If I'd only known then what I know now"...

But the truth is, I'm glad I did not always know what I know now. If I would have known how much a broken heart hurts, I never would have loved with wreckless abandon. I would have kept walls up and never let anybody in. And we won't even go into if I knew how hard marriage was going to be, but then again, if I would have known how great it was going to be, I could have made even more mistakes to get there sooner.

I learned at a young age that kids can and do die. That's a harsh truth to have to come to terms with. When I was 12, a friend of mine died after being hit by a car. I'll never forget how life changing that was. Ever since then, when I hear of a death, I immediately think of the enormous amount of pain so many people are going through because of the loss of one person. Though I learned this lesson young, I am glad I did not know anything much about death before then. If I would have know that kids really did die young and were not invincible, I would not have had at least 12 years of that bliss.

I am glad that I did not know that my niece was going to have brain cancer at 3 years old. The argument could be made that we would have been even more diligent about our time with her, etc., but then we would have had a dark cloud over us the first 3 years of her life. Everytime she hit a milestone, we would have been thinking,"This is amazing, but she's in for something horrible soon". And I am glad that we did not know that she was going to be a survivor right when she was diagnosed. I know...that sounds really grim, but if we would have known, we would not have spent hours on our knees praying and becoming closer with God. We would not know as much about His love and mercy and peace.

And I am glad that I did not know how hard parenting was going to be. There is no way to prepare yourself to have a part of your soul walking around outside you. There is no way to prepare yourself for the crazy amount of love you'll have for this little person. There is also no way to prepare yourself for how stinking hard it is going to be. How you are "on the clock" 24 hours a day. How you can never slack off at your job because a little future depends on it and because the last thing you want to do is give less than 100%. How your body will never be the same and you won't even have time to try to help get it there. How you become one of those people who deal with bodily fluids all day and do not mind because it's your munchkins. How you will go out in public realizing that your child is dressed way nicer than you because you have not shopped for yourself since that baby was born. But what I am really glad about is that I am living in bliss over how hard it is going to be to send them out into this harsh world, hoping that they will cling to the fact that they will always come home to a mom and dad who love them regardless and to the fact that they have a God who loves them. I am really dreading the day when I see my kid get left out. Or the day one of them is hurt because people are just plain mean somedays (and as a warning to all of you out there, hell hath no fury will be the understatement of the year if I get involved...just letting you know).

For now I am going to enjoy my ignorance. I am going to look back at the past and be thankful that I could be blissful then, but that I am wiser in so many areas. And I am going to live in the present, always striving to learn more, but smile because I don't yet know what those old 30 somethings know :)