Weird

I just finished reading the book, Weird, by Craig Groeschel and I thought it was excellent and well worth the read.  Since I check my books out pretty randomly (by God does knows when I am getting them!) it amazed me at how well it worked as a follow up to Radical.  Craig is an awesome speaker and writer and his books are a good read.

This book focused on how normal is not working and how we are called to be weird.  It totally challenged me on a few areas and we are making adjustments accordingly :)  One of the things that David and I have decided to start doing is making sure we are intentional with our time.   With him working during the week and me working on weekends, family time can easily get lost.  We have decided to make Tuesday nights our "date night" with our kids.  I take Ella out once a month and Brady out once a month.  He does the same with each of them.  We have also decided to make Thursday night "date night" for ourselves.  Almost all of our dates will occur at home, it's just the season of life we are in, but we are going to be intentional about making sure after the kids go to bed, we spend time with each other.  We are also making Thursday night (while the kids are still up) a "no electronics night".   I am excited about these changes and am looking forward to having this family time on our schedule and honoring it.

He also spoke about being having a divine discontent (and recommended a book by Bill Hybels called Divine Discontent).  He had some really great questions to make you think about what God was putting on your heart to be discontent about.  What is something that God has put on your heart to be discontent about and to change?  Is it helping the homeless?  Mentoring a child?  Feeding the hungry?  The list could go on forever, but it really had me thinking about some of the things that God has put on my heart lately.  He has made it clear to me what I have a discontent about and I can not just keep letting it happen.  It really is my responsibility to do something, anything.

I am really excited about how God has been working on me and putting all of these things in my life.  The best thing, by far, that I have been doing is reading the Bible every day.  I read five chapters a day and I really look forward to that time.  Sometimes it is so hard to think about sitting down and reading when all I want to do is sleep, but He always blesses that time and I never walk away from that time without feeling so much more connected to God.  I really, really encourage you to spend daily time reading your Bible.  It does not have to be five chapters, it can be anything, but just do it.  I promise you, it is totally worth it.

I Have Running Water

I read...a lot.  I am almost always reading a book.  I have a list in my phone of books that are recommended to me or books that I think sound good and I randomly request them from the library.  God has really planned out which books I have been reading and when I receive them.  Last spring, I did the Beth Moore Bible study on the book of James.  I had never had a favorite book of the Bible until then.  I actually considered naming Kinsley, James if she was a boy because I was so moved by the book.  I think it can be really trendy these days to talk about social justice.  We can jump on the band wagon of talking about all the things that are wrong with the world right now, but we really do not do anything about it.  I am 100% guilty of this.  I hear of the horrible injustices that are occurring every single second of every single day and I am heartbroken in the moment, but then I kind of just drift back to my comfortable American middle class life.  I am convinced that God does not want me to remain in that pattern.  He has been bringing books into my life ever since last year that are challenging me to actually do something about it. 

I read Crazy Love by Francis Chan at the same time I was doing the James study.  Totally read that book.  It really got me thinking on how I live my life and my priorities.  Is it really okay to say that I am a follower of Christ, but continue to ignore the life and death needs of my fellow human beings?  I then read Kisses From Katie by Katie Davis.  What an amazing example of someone who did what God told her to do.  Her life is far from glamorous and I am sure many people think she is crazy.  But, wow, what a difference she is making in the world.  And what a testament of living in peace when you follow what God tells you to do. 

I just finished Radical by David Platt and thought it was absolutely life changing.  I respected that Platt was convicting without being condemning.  Did you know that every single hour 26,000 children die from starvation and preventable diseases?  TWENTY SIX THOUSAND PARENTS WATCH THEIR CHILDREN DIE...EVERY.SINGLE.HOUR.  That is not okay.  Those parents love their children just as much as I love mine.  They did not choose for their children to die.  They were waiting for someone, anyone to help.  They are not lazy.  As a matter of fact, many walk HOURS every day just for dirty water for their family.  They walk hours.  And let's be clear on this one, some of the parents do not grieve the loss of their child.  That is because they are already dead.  Their children had to die alone, starving, and without a parent.  I know this is completely depressing, but it is also reality.  How convenient it is to go back to our lives and pretend this doesn't happen.  I certainly do.  It is just too much to think about.  I won't even begin to talk about the sex trade that involves millions of children.  That is for another post.  Platt does not just talk about the people that die physically every day, but also spiritually.  Billions of people do not even know about Jesus.  And it is our job to tell them about the love, peace, and forgiveness He offers.

So, what does all of this mean?  David and I (he is now reading the book) are committed to living a simpler life, paying off our debt, and living a life that means we can give to others.  We have all heard the Mother Teresa quote "Live simply so others can simply live", but really think about that.  What are you willing to give up so that one less child dies today? 

This will always be a struggle for me.  I love to shop.  I love to decorate my home.  I almost did not post this because I was afraid that I would be judged every time one of you saw me with something new.  We are choosing to send our kids to private school and some may think that money should go elsewhere.  We have prayed and prayed about it and we believe that is God's direction for the life of our family.  This may mean that we never move out of our starter home and we are okay with that.  Do we really need bigger and better?  It has hit me numerous times how many people in the world would love to live in my garage.  My GARAGE.  They would think that was amazing.

I don't know what God is calling us to live without.  I know that right now we are pulling back on our "fun money" to do things in order to pay off our debt quicker.  I know that we will always have to evaluate what we should spend our money on. We don't feel as if God has called us to sell everything and move to be missionaries in another country.  Some people are called to that, but at this time, we really think He wants us right here.

All I do know is that the other day I was in my kitchen and thinking about how I would like to redo the walls in there and make some other changes.  And then God totally spoke to me (not audibly) and I just heard Him say "You have running water".  I have running water.  What a humbling statement.  How many mothers would love to have running water for their families.  I have running water.

Be Awesome

Here is my Pinterest project for the week!  I saw on Pinterest awhile back a really cool sign (linked to an Etsy store) that said something about being awesome, I can't remember the exact quote.  It got me thinking that it would be really great to have something that said "Be Awesome Today" on the wall above our stairs.  I asked my good friend Natalie to make a vinyl decal that said "Be Awesome Today" and she was nice enough to do so :)  The stairs leading from our main floor to our second story go straight into our study (which is currently Kinsley's room).  We have the stairwell and her room painted in a medium yellow color, so I had Natalie make the decal in a dark blue.  I loved the idea of having something inspirational for the family to see as we started our day.  David loves it because it reminds him of a locker room (he played sports in high school and college).  I wasn't going for a locker room effect in any part of our house, but ya know.  Here is my very low quality picture (I promise I'll get better about this).

As far as the rest of my 30th year resolutions, I'm sticking with them.  I cut out all soda and sweets (cakes, cookies, and ice cream~minus for birthday celebrations this week!) to help with baby weight loss, have been reading my Bible, we've been doing good on our spending plan, I've been working on decluttering our space at home, and have started to order from Green Bean delivery weekly so that I'll be cooking with more fresh food.  There's my homework turn in this week!

I'm 30

It happened.  Yesterday was the big day.  I am officially 30, married, and have 3 kids.  I remember when I was little thinking how 30-somethings were so old and grown up.  They had real grown up jobs and had reached official adulthood.  I still feel like I am working on being a grown up though.  Even with a house, job, husband, and kids, I sometimes feel like I am playing "make believe".  I wonder if that ever changes??

My birthday was pretty amazing.  On Tuesday night, I went to Bible study and I was surprised with balloons, a cake, cards, and presents.  I was so surprised!  There was a princess theme and I loved every bit of it.  I could not believe that all of these ladies, some of whom I have only been in group with for four weeks, took the time to make my day special.  Right after midnight, David surprised me with a card letting me know that a  Kindle Fire was on the way. We do not buy presents for each other most of the time, so I had not expected a single thing.  I have been debating for years (seriously) about buying an e-reader because I love love love to read, but I am not too great on gadgets.  I am really excited to put this bad boy to use. The kids had made me cards I was so proud of Brady and Ella for working hard to make the letters for "mommy".  My birthday request for the day was to have no TV on all day and that happened.  Since we have been stuck in the house for over 6 weeks, I have had enough TV to last a long time (specifically kid shows...wow, they can take you to a whole new level of insanity!).  We went to lunch at Dewey's, my favorite, and Brady was so excited because we ordered the Green Lantern pizza.  He could not believe we ordered the super hero pizza.  Love that kid.  We then went to the Blue Manatee bookstore, which is a super cute kid's bookstore in Oakley.  The kids played there forever and we bought drinks at their cafe.  I have always dreamed of opening a little bookstore with a cafe when David and I retire, but I don't think bookstores will even be around still then.  That makes me sad.

I thought we were going to dinner at my parents' that evening, but my Mom and sister came and kidnapped me right before we should have left.  We went to Buca di Beppo and I was absolutely beyond surprised when there was a group of some of my most favorite ladies there.  I was spoiled with another princess themed party, wonderful presents, and a delicious cake.

I had so many sweet Facebook messages, text messages, and phone calls....it was such a perfect day.  During this season of my life, where we do not have the time to socialize as much as we would like to and especially recently where I have been home so much, it felt so incredible to celebrate with so many people that I adore.

I am so, so, so blessed and do not take that for granted.  Thank you for everyone who wished me a happy birthday, picked up a card, celebrated with me, and have made the first 30 years of my life more than I could have ever dreamed of.  I have been surrounded by some of the most amazing people and I love that you allow me to be a part of your lives.  Here's to my thirties!

He is Enough

Last night I kind of went a little crazy on my husband.  It was late, the baby is almost six weeks so she is at that phase where she is fussy a lot, and I had done that really bad habit of mine of letting things bottle up and then getting mad at my husband for not reading my mind.  So....I let him know that I felt very unappreciated for all the nights that I had been staying up late with Kinsley, getting up with her in the middle of the night, getting up early with Brady and Ella, and then staying home with them all day because we have been in lock down mode due to the flu season.  The crazy part is that he has never said that he will not get up with the baby during the week (he always does on the weekend).  He has never said that I can't leave the house when he gets home from work.  He has actually taken the big kids outside as much as possible to play in the snow.  I just got mad because honestly, I am exhausted.

After doing about a million or so dishes this evening and then starting what I can only imagine is the first of about thirty loads of laundry (okay, that is a slight exaggeration, but my son really had no underwear today and I had to have him wear a diaper, but he was a good sport and pretended it was underwear...seriously), I went upstairs to take my shower.  While I was showering (and trying to not obsess about my to do list), all I could do was think about everything I should have done today, this week, last week, five years ago, etc.  It really got me thinking of how often I do this through out the day, every day.  This is how my mind works:

-When I get up in the morning:

• I should have gone to bed earlier
• No, I should have stayed up later and cleaned the house, completed a project, etc.
• I should have gotten up before the kids
• I should have had our clothes laid out

-At some point during the day

• I should have gone to the store to buy (insert item) yesterday
• I should have read to the kids more
• I should have been more patient
• I should have made a different parenting choice
• I should have called/e-mailed so and so
• I should have been a better friend/daughter/wife/mother/employee

-At night

• I should have worked out
• I should have made better food choices
• I should have said something different
• I should have planned better when I was younger
• I should have been smarter with our money
• I should have majored in something different in college
• I should have been wiser when I was younger

And the list goes on.  I do not always phrase things this way, so I think that I do not even realize it when my self talk is going down this path.  The enemy is tricky like that and he likes to see us spend our time focusing on everything we have done wrong.  A lot of my "I should haves" are true.  I should have made better choices, but I didn't.

When I was thinking about writing this post, I was going to titled it "You are Enough" because I needed to tell myself that.  I was trying to make myself realize that all I am doing is enough and that I am doing my best.  Which is true.  But, when I went to read my Jesus Calling devotional tonight and I seriously starting crying.  God spoke directly to me on this subject.  The devotional tonight started off by saying to not be ashamed of my exhaustion, that God has made this an opportunity for Him to take charge of my life.  It continued by saying do not wish things were different (for background here, I am beyond blessed with my life now and have an amazing family, but I tend to have a whole lot of regret about bad decisions I made when I was younger), but to focus on Him and allow Him to lead me.  It concluded by telling me that my constant battle was against "the world, the flesh, and the devil" and that is why I am so weary.  I need to put my hope in Him and stop fighting these things.  The battle has already been won.  I need to stop trying to fight a battle that God has already more than conquered.

I realized that the title of this post should not be about myself being enough because I am not.  God is enough for me.  He is enough for my family. He is enough to cover all the things that are on my to do list.  I just need to trust Him to guide me through each day and He will.  He always has.

A Pinterest Post

Disclaimer: This is not a photography blog and almost all of my pictures on here are taken with my outdated, but still loved, Blackberry.  Okay, now that is out of the way...

There are a few things you should know about me before reading the rest of this post.  First of all, I love all things vintage.  I dream of Ikea opening a store that is completely vintage.  Secondly, I could marry whoever invented spray paint.  DIY'ers everywhere salute you, Mr./Ms. Spray Paint Inventor.  Lastly, I love this project because it makes me feel very Draperish and I love Mad Men enough to complete a project just for that reason.

So, while I was pinning away on Pinterest one day I came across a pin for a coffee bar for your house.  Really it was just a cute table with a shelf over it.  I thought this would be a brilliant addition to our dining room.  David and I love and I mean LOVE coffee, so he jumped on board with this project (trust me, this is a rare gift).  He always helps me do our projects (and by help, I mean I envision it and he does it, thanks dear!), but he does not always think it is a must for the house.  Well, we have a very tiny kitchen with super limited counter space, so we both loved the idea of moving our Keurig out of there to free up space and to have a space devoted to our current means of survival with three kids 4 and under.

When we were downstairs cleaning up the basement for the road we made the kids, we stumbled upon an old cart that the previous owner had left behind.  The previous owner lived here 55 years, so who knows how old this cart could be!  It was a pale yellow and in rough shape, but I saw some potential in that little cart.  So...I went to my trusty Pinterest and looked up drink carts and fell in love with a bright red cart.  I picked up some spray paint (Krylon's Banner Red in gloss), David painted away, and voila:

I love the pop of color it adds to the room. The top shelf is our Keurig and Espresso machine, the second shelf is a basket full of coffees and teas, and the bottom shelf is still practical and holds bibs and burp clothes for the kids.  Next up, we are refinishing a shelf to go over it and looking for coffee mugs with personality to display and use.

Road Rally

Our house was built in the 1940s and when we bought our house it came complete with a mint green painted cement floor.  Awesome.  We will eventually get around to finishing off our basement, but until then we decided to make the most of it.  Enter what can be accomplished with some left over paint:

That's right, a fancy indoor road (the chair and table on the side is their cafe and what you can't see are the play tents we convinced the kids should be moved downstairs to make a "city".  We're tricky). I know, the kids are blurry, but they are fast.  We now have a place for them to ride on their power wheels, bikes, and all that fun stuff during the winter.  Plus, our chihuahuas are no longer in danger.  Win win.

The Best Parenting Advice

So I was at Bible Study last night (Beth Moore's Deuteronomy study...and if you have never done a Beth Moore study, put that on your to do list right now!), anyway, she was talking about the best parenting advice that any parent could have.  When she mentioned she was going to give this advice out during the session, I was very eager to hear what she had to say.  I respect and admire Beth as not only a Bible teacher, but also as a wife and mother.  She is not perfect, and certainly never claims to be, but she loves her family fiercely.  Anyway, her advice was this...."Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength" (you can find the whole verse in Deut. 6:5).  Her teaching from that was that the loving drives the living.  In other words, how you love is how you live.  That's it.

I spend a whole lot of time reading parenting books and magazines and blogs and have since the minute we found out we were pregnant the first time.  I like to read from many, many different authors who have varying viewpoints so that I can educate myself and find out what works best for our family.  I have to say, it was a relief when Beth gave that advice.  And do you know why?  It was because it took a whole load off of my shoulders.  All I have to do is love God and I am being the best Mom I can be.  Of course there are still many things I can do, but I can put my whole check list aside (no more than 30 minutes of TV a day, vitamins taken, fruit and veggies eaten, craft done, reading time, devotional time, etc.) and just focus on that. And it works.  I can still strive to do other things and of course need to, but as long as I am loving God with everything I have, I am doing exactly what He asks us to do as parents.

I would love to get up before my kids and get dressed, have my quiet time, and be ready for the day.  But, that rarely happens.  I almost always just do my quiet time with God at night.  This evening I decided to read from my Jesus Calling book while the kids were playing in the living room and I was holding a sleeping baby.  The little devotional in there is only about a paragraph long and has 2-4 recommended Bible verses to go with it.  Ella heard me reading from the Bible (I usually read the verses out loud in case they are listening!) and ran over to me and said "You are reading about God!".  Brady then grabbed one of his little Bibles and climbed on the couch and asked me to read him Bible stories.  Beth mentioned yesterday how we have such an amazing opportunity to make the Bible exciting for our kids.  David is a great storyteller and he makes Bible stories so fun for the kids.  While I am not a great storyteller, I could spend hours a day reading to my kids.  I love it.  So, when he asked me to read to him from his Bible, I of course obliged and we read many stories.  And that was it.  All they had to do was see me loving God and they wanted to do the same.

I had many bad moments today as a Mom.  My back is killing me so I was a bit crabby, we slept in and I was rushed getting Kinsley to the doctor, I was not very patient as we cleaned the playroom, and so on.  So I am by no means saying that I have it all together.  I just wanted to share the advice that Beth gave and how it worked for me today without me having anything to do with it.  God is so, so good and He will take even our smallest attempts at loving Him throughout the day and make something great out of it.

I'm Turning 30 (Aging Gracefully)...

Okay, so I am 16 days away from my big 3-0 birthday. When I look back on my 20s it is amazing to me what my life looked like when I turned 20 and what my life now looks like as I am turning 30. It seems like a whole lifetime ago. And it seems like just yesterday.

I am a goal setter. I like to achieve things and I always like to be moving forward and improving myself. I like to have a list where I can check things off and I like to consider myself a continuous work in progress. These things seem pretty opposite, but to me, they go hand in hand.

I am going to start using this blog as a place to “turn in my homework”. I have always done better with accountability, so this little place of mine will serve that purpose. My hope is that it will never appear as if I am saying “look at what I did!”, but will serve as a place where I can share some things that work for myself and my family and also a place where I can share what is not working. That is where you come in. I’d love to have your ideas and I also hope that I can encourage you along the way.

The idea that I have to check in here a few times a week will help me to make the most of each day because I will want to help you to do the same (wow, that sounds a little bit too much like an after school special). It will also help me to actually stay on top of editing and uploading my pictures. I am a firm believe that photos should still be printed out, labeled, and put in photo album, but I am behind on that...by 2 years (it looks like that is going on my project list). I also still do the old school baby books and am mainly on top of those. I do still need to buy one for Kinsley however 

Okay, so here is my list of things I would like to accomplish during my 30th year (I have always consider my birthday more of a time to make New Year’s resolutions rather than actual New Year’s…procrastinator?):

1) Read the whole Bible this year. I have never read the Bible in a year and would like this to be a yearly tradition I start this year.
2) Lose my baby weight (and my married weight!). I had three babies in four years…two of those pregnancies requiring bed rest, so I gained more weight than I am happy with. I need to lose the weight so that I am my best self for my family.
3) Do one pinterest project a week. I know, this seems crazy, but not all of them will be super big.
4) Get out and explore what our city has to offer more.
5) Learn to cook better!
6) Write to my kids in their journals (we start a journal to each of them when we find out we are pregnant) once a week.
7) Get caught up on all of our photos.
8) Stick to our spending plan…pay off debt, start saving for things we have coming up, etc.
9) Declutter our home. Learn to live more simply.
10) Start an allowance system with the kids. Let them pick out groceries to donate at church (Brady asked that we do that with their tithe money).

What are your goals for the year? Any tips on how to achieve the goals I have listed for myself?

Something I found in the Draft Folder...

Lately, my eyes have been open a lot to the struggles other people face. I have spent a lot of my life assuming that I can read people like a book and that I must know everything about their life...whether it was perfect or a complete mess.

Since I spend most of my time around either small children and playdates or at the church, I have the opportunity to meet a whole lot of people, all in different situations and circumstances. To be painfully honest, I have spent 97% of my life wondering what they were thinking about me and my life. But recently, God has really opened my eyes to some things...

Way back in 2008 when I was a new mama who had her world rocked by a pretty traumatic birth and recovery, I had my first wake up call to "you never really know what someone has gone through or is going through right now". For the record, I realize that having the ability to carry children is a huge blessing and I do not take that for granted, but I also don't think I should have to hide what I went through. I would do it a million times over again, but it was tough. I remember people telling me how natural birth is the way to go and how c-sections are just plain evil and thinking, you clearly have no idea what happened in that room. If they would not have taken him by c-section, we both would have died. How am I a bad mother for that? (For the record, I would have loved a natural birth.) And then the breastfeeding comments. Oh the breastfeding comments. One time a stranger came up to me and asked me why I was giving my child formula when I could hire a wet nurse. WHAT???? My story, had she bothered to ask, was that I had a severe infection after delivery and I spent my first 3 weeks as a new mama bed ridden and not able to do any of the things I had dreamed about. And even though I was sicker than I had ever been, I still pumped every 3 hours to attempt to get even an ounce out (and it never happened).

The week I got better, I found out my Mom had breast cancer. Two weeks after that, we found out that my 3 year old niece had brain cancer. They both had surgeries shortly after that and THANK GOD they are okay. When I was in a daze and crying most of the time, I just remember thinking how the heck is the world still acting normal and going on like everything is okay????

And most recently, when we miscarried our third baby, I became even more aware of how you just never know what someone is going through. We lost our baby on a Wednesday and I chose to work that weekend. Some people knew what I was going through and others had no clue. I would have a lot of normal conversations with people and in the back of my head I just kept thinking "if you only knew, right now, at this moment I am losing my baby".

Okay, I realize that was all super depressing and it probably made me sound like I was having a pity party....which, if you know me at all, you know that is not how I roll. My Mom and niece are both in remission which is the most amazing thing, my son and daughter are both beautiful and healthy, and I will meet our third baby (Reese) in Heaven one day. It has just been so heavy on my heart that we really don't know what is going on in someone's life. So when you have to wait a little longer in line because someone can't get their act together, remember that you don't know what challenges they are facing. And when someone seems distance, pray for them. God knows what is going on. And for the love, please do not tell someone she is a bad mother for the way her child came into this world.

Today was a tough day. Not every aspect of the day was bad, in fact we had some really fun things, but I hit some of my all time lows as a mother today.

I have two very passionate kids. I love this about them. Passionate people are the ones that change the world and my prayer is for them to do this with their lives. However, being passionate means that you have a whole lot of personality and that can be hard on a parent. David and I work opposite days in order to ensure that one of us is always home with the kids (my Mom covers for us one day a week for six hours, but that is the only exception). I LOVE that we have the opportunity to raise our kids this way. It is not the perfect solution for every family, but it works for us. The challenge for us is that we are either home alone with the two kids or at work. Rarely are both of us home together and parenting. So, there are days when we are just plain TIRED! Not always physically, in fact generally not physically, but emotionally. I have felt so drained this week. Brady is at the age where he is constantly seeing how far he can push us. Truthfully, that is what three year olds do. That is how they find out that they have boundaries and that is what makes them feel safe. But, man, is it exhausting! I know I am his mom, but seriously, that kid is smart. He remembers everything and is quizzing us on it often. I think this will serve him well in the future and it humors us sometimes now, but it can be tough. And Ella, she is just everywhere! She wants to be a big kid like Brady. She wants to explore everything (and for the record, I am totally for this as long as she is not disobeying. How else will kids find out what works and what doesn't?). But the tiring part for her is that she has a very set way in how she wants things done (dude, I know, the apple does not fall far from the tree).

Why am I saying all of this? Well, honestly, I need to hear from people who have BEEN THERE. I need to hear what worked for you. I want to look back on these years and CHERISH them, not think about what I wish I would have done. I may not follow all the advice that I am given, but I love to hear it. I think God blesses us with having friends of different ages and life stages so that we can learn from each other. So, what are your tips? How did you make sure that you were staying on top of things without getting exhausted? What really worked for you?

Lately...

Saw this on some blogs and loved it, so here's my list:

Obsessing over: house projects (I always have one in mind), paying off all our debt and finishing up the Ramsey steps

Working on: finishing up our master bath, finishing up our kitchen, taking the heater in Brady's room apart to find all the vinyl letters he shoved in there last night, finishing up some homemade pizza dough

Thinking about: what house project to do next, how badly I want to declutter so many rooms and closets in this house, making the back of Brady's closet a book nook, simplifying our lives in every eay, ways to get back in shape that are realistic with our schedule

Anticipating: Christmas, the week between Christmas and New Year's (always my favorite), being more intentional in 2012, starting Beth Moore's new Bible study in January

Listening to: quiet....the kids and dogs are all napping!

Drinking: home brewed Starbucks coffee with peppermint mocha creamer

Wishing: possibly a third baby (though the doctor said a VBAC is not an option for me and I am just not physically/mentally ready for a third c-section)

Ella's Birth Story

Ella Ave’s Birth Story
May 19, 2010
Ella’s birth story begins in September of 2009. David and I had definitely thought about having more kids, but thought we’d wait until the winter to start trying so that our kids would be two years or more apart. We were at the Cincinnati Zoo one September day and every time I saw a baby girl, I thought I was going to cry I wanted to hold one so bad. Seriously, it was the strangest thing. I thought I was going crazy. Later that day I had this really weird feeling that I might be pregnant. Remember, we were not trying at this time, so there was no reason to believe that we were pregnant. We went to the store and picked up a home pregnancy test. I decided to take the test the next morning. I usually work Sunday mornings, but I was off that day. I took the test, waited a few minutes, saw only one line and threw it away. Then I remembered that I had done the same thing with Brady’s test, so I went back in, took it out of the garbage and sure enough, there were two lines. We went to the doctor that week and we had to take a blood test there (for some reason, my urine pregnancy tests always come back negative at the doctor’s office). We had given the doctor permission to leave a message on our answering machine with the results. I was at Bible study that night, so David heard the message. He called me when I was on my way home and told me we were having a second baby. Though we were so surprised, we were even more excited! I decided to call my Dad and let him know since he is always the last to know things. He was at the Reds game when we told him. I then called my Mom and told her the big news. We decided to wait to tell David’s family because his younger sister had just had her first baby that day and we did not want to take anything away from her. But, the next day the news came out (we are horrible secret keepers). Fortunately, his sister was so happy for us. David told her on the phone while I was in the hospital room visiting her and the new baby. That was fun, just keeping the cycle going in that family! We wanted to wait to tell everyone else, but by the time I was seven weeks, people could already tell and starting asking (which was pretty brave if you ask me!).
We had quite a few ultrasounds with Ella early on. The doctor ordered one at around six weeks just to check on the size and all that fun stuff. I don’t think I really believed we were pregnant until I saw that little dot on the screen. We had one or two more before our twenty week routine one. We decided to take Brady with us to the twenty week, but since he was only about seventeen months, he was not too into it. We went back and forth on whether we would find out the gender or not. For awhile we thought about finding out ourselves and not telling anyone else (I love surprises), but in the end, we decided to share the gender and not the name. David was busy occupying Brady when the ultrasound tech started typing the letters on the screen. As soon as I saw that “G” I was overjoyed. I looked at David and said, “It’s a girl!”. I could not believe that we had our handsome little man and now we were going to have a little beauty. I had always wanted a boy then a girl, I felt so blessed! We called our family and friends to tell them the news and everyone was so excited. It was the best feeling, knowing that other people were already loving our little one.
My pregnancy went pretty well, minus the usual pregnancy symptoms, until my 32nd week. I thought I was having contractions and they were becoming regular, so my doctor sent me to the hospital. We went up to the hospital where I was told to be very careful and not do anything that I did not need to do. That was on a Sunday night. Just a few days later, on Wednesday, I was having contractions again. This time, I was sent home from the hospital on much stricter bed rest. I was devastated. This happened with Brady at 33 weeks and I had been adamant about this not happening with my second pregnancy. I realize that there was nothing that I could have done to prevent it, but I was hoping that if I said it wouldn’t happen again, that it wouldn’t. I was unable to work, but still went to church once a week with David and Brady. We made this deal because I had started to get depressed when I was not able to leave the house for four weeks when I was on bed rest with Brady. It definitely helped. I was anxious for our little girl to get here, but wanted for her to wait until at least the 37th week. Brady had been born at that time and minus a little jaundice, was perfectly healthy. So, I tried my best to take it easy.
We had scheduled Ella’s c-section birth for May 21st. Her due date was May 28th, so that was the earliest we were allowed to schedule. Since my blood pressure was fine (I was induced with Brady because it got dangerously high), we just waited around patiently (kind of patiently!). I had planned out our week leading up to the delivery. We would have grocery shopping one day, another day for packing, etc. Our good friends decided to host a grill out for us on Thursday, May 20th as a little party before our baby girl arrived. I was really looking forward to celebrating her with our close friends on that night. My parents and sister had traveled up to Michigan that week to visit my brother and his family who were in town. I repeatedly told my Mom to go since they would be home late on the 18th which was plenty of time. As now we know is typical Ella fashion, girlfriend had her own plans. Around 5:00 a.m. on the 19th I dragged my huge body out of bed for the millionth time for a potty break (seriously, I gained 60 pounds…I mean huge body). I laid back down and felt a really odd sensation, like bubbles. I then heard a snap and somehow got my big pregnant belly out of bed just in time for my water to break. And I mean it broke, big time. I woke David up and said “my water broke”. He responded with “really?” which made me question it, so I responded back with “oh my gosh, no, I am wetting my pants”. He looked up and said “nope, your water broke”. Brady was asleep on our bed through all of this and never woke up, he sleeps like his mama. We called my Mom right away (they had just gotten back in town about eight hours before this) and told her to come over. The hospital told me to come on up and I did my best to not leak everywhere. We grabbed our bags and headed out the door when my Mom arrived. I was contracting pretty regularly at this point, so the ride to the hospital was not my favorite memory. I am pretty sure I yelled at David a few times about his driving (sorry, David).
When we checked into Triage, we did all of the normal routine. We were back in the room when some of my water started leaking again. The nurse looked at it and looked at me. She asked if the water had always been that color and as soon as she asked that, I knew something was wrong. I had read about this and for some reason it had not hit me yet. The water had a brownish tint, which meant there was meconium in the fluid. The nurse started calling pediatricians and I started praying. The plan was to have pediatricians on standby at her delivery in case she needed to be taken to the NICU for complications.
We were taken back to the surgery prep area and I sent out the text messages to our family and close friends to let them know it was baby time. I tried my best not to worry too much and just kept praying for our yet to be named little girl. We were taken back to the c-section room and it was a much better experience than with Brady. There was not as much rushing, so the drugs actually had time to numb me. I loved our anesthesiologist, he was funny and kind. He sat right by my head the whole time. He offered to let me watch her being pulled out and I declined. He promised me that I would not see anything bad, so I agreed. I am so glad I was able to witness her birth! The anesthesiologist saw her and said “I bet she is nine five!”. He was close; she weighed 9 pounds 4 ounces. The whole surgical team was great and made the delivery so much more enjoyable and really calmed my nerves. The nurses started to ask her name and we told them we did not know yet. I knew I wanted her middle name to be “Averil” or “Ave” after my great aunt. I never met Aunt Ave, she died before I was born, but she had played a major part in my Dad coming to Christ, so she was important to me. Her full name was “Averil”, but she always went by “Ave”. We were going to pick the middle name based on how many syllables were in the first name (so a two syllable first name meant we would go with a one syllable middle name). We had been through so many names when we were pregnant. For a really long time, we were sure her name would by Lyla. Then I decided I really liked Cooper for a girl. We finally narrowed it down to Reese or Claire. Two days before she was born, I put Ella into the running. I had wanted to name a girl that for years and it was even Brady’s name if he was a girl. I had decided early on in the pregnancy that we would not name her Ella because I knew people who had daughters named Ella. But, right before she was born, I decided that I did not care if other people I knew had an Ella, I just loved that name. We told the nurses that her name was either Reese or Ella. They encouraged Reese and then we told them the middle name and they loved Ella Ave (pronounced like Ava, minus the “ah” at the end). As soon as I saw just how perfect and beautiful she was, I knew she was an Ella. So, as we were wheeled into the recovery room, we announced to the surgical team that her name was Ella Ave. It was fun sending out the message that her name was Ella because no one even knew we were considering that name.
My Mom and sister brought Brady up to the hospital as soon as we were settled in. They had him buy her a pink elephant (elephants are my favorite). I cannot describe to you the joy that filled my heart the first time our family of four was all together. This is it. This is what all is about. I am so thankful that God created families and loves us enough to allow us to become parents. My heart is so full.

Weekend Review

First of all, I realize that I should include pictures with these posts. One day I will, I'm just not there yet. It's a time thing.

We had a good weekend (and beginning of the week, for that matter). On Saturday, we drove up to the Cochran's lake house to spend the day with our Hospitality/Connecting/Prayer team coaches and team leaders. The kids both fell asleep in the car (it's about a 2 hour drive) and then it hit me....we can listen to music that does not have a vegetable singing. I did the usual, grab the Lifehouse No Name Face CD. The look on David's face made it clear that he was not on board. Apparently, he does not enjoy listening to the same CD over and over and over again. I have had that CD since I was 18 and I have probably spent hundreds of hours listening to it. It was the CD that stayed in my CD player in the Probe, the Mustang, the Alero, the Accent, and now the Relay. It has seen some major life changes with me. I compromised and told David I would only listen to two songs and then we would switch to something we could both agree on. I am overly thankful that 700 WLW was not an option...how does he listen to that all day???? We agreed on a Dave Matthews Band CD and life was good. One of my most favorite things to do with David is road trip it. I get horrible car sickness, but I still love it. We are forced to do nothing but listen to good music and talk. And now that we have kids, we have the bonus of being able to sit down for more than two minutes straight. It's wonderful.

When we arrived at the lake house, we made the decision not to head to the beach. Ella can not get lake water in her ears and Brady was still a little sleepy. So, we held down the fort at the house. We put the kids in their swimsuits and let them play in the baby pool. They had plenty of fun running around the yard and playing. Ella made every grown man try on her pink polka dot sunhat. Brady made a new buddy with Max. Later in the day, David told Brady he could only have a cupcake if he picked up the crayons. A minute later we heard him say, "Max, pick up the crayons". Max helped him out, I think because Brady told us that Max was his favorite :) It makes my heart burst when I see people that we love, love our kids.

On Sunday, we had a swim day at our friend, the Montgomery's, home. David has known Steve and Nicky for years, but I am still pretty new to the group. Steve and Nicky have two kids who are just wonderful and get along great with our kids. We noticed this last fall when we were at a mutual friend's home. So, I contacted Nicky a short time later and set up a playdate. David laughs because he swears I can not leave a place without having at least one playdate ready to go with someone new. I like people, what can I say??? Okay, so we spent the day swimming, helping each other out with the kids, and just enjoying each other. Another one of my most favorite things, having friends who jump in and help out your kids and you can do the same with theirs. Just one big family feel...I love it. After we had a few hours to swim and play, we headed up to Anderson days. Being at Anderson days confirmed a few things for me: 1) No matter what side of town you live on, there will always be girls who think it is okay to wear bikini tops and cut off jean shorts to festivals. This is not okay. 2) There will always be old men who think blowing cigarette smoke near the kiddy rides is okay. Really???? 3) The egg ride will always be the best.

Brady rode his first festival ride, the car carousel. He rode with Sam the first time and then went on his own the next time. He loved it and I was so proud. We finished the night off watching fireworks on the grass. I don't care how old you are, fireworks are always awesome. We were at the top of a hill and the kids were running up and down the hill the a lot of the time. Ella scooted down backwards, pretty wise. At one point, Brady took off down the hill and ran up the other side. At the top of that was a parking lot. I ran faster than I can remember to catch him. Adrenaline.

Monday was a down day at home. Just a lazy day of cleaning, laundry, reading books and letting the kids watch too much TV because we were so tired from the weekend. Then Monday night, I met my friend Karen and we looked through old photo albums. We have been friends since we were 16, so we had a lot of photos. It is funny looking at those pictures thinking that in just a few years, I would be working at a church. And loving it. It's funny how fast we can change. I am so glad that I am not in that place anymore and so thankful to have friends that have grown up with me.

Today we had our Tuesday standing playdate with Natalie and Toby. I am so thankful for those people. Natalie has become such a great friend over the past few years and our families get along so well. We can talk for hours and both have issues with how many blogs we follow. Toby is like a cousin to my kids and I love that. Brady talks about Toby in conversations all the time and it is so stinking cute.

After our playdate, I took the kids with me to get my haircut (they were shockingly well behaved), and then we met Amy here for dinner. Oh,by the way, you should totally go to Amanda Wendling-Morris to get your haircut at her new place. Okay, back to Amy. We have been friends FOREVER! She got married seven years ago and moved to Indiana, but she is finally home!!!! I look forward to spending a lot of time with her now that she is home. Her husband is still in Indiana (job thing), so until he gets a job here, I'm sure she'll be having many dinners with us. I love, love, love spending time with Amy. When David found out that she was moving back, he asked if he was ever going to see me again.

Okay, it's almost 1 a.m. David is up doing some work for his job and I am waiting on the oven to finish up. I hope the kids sleep in tomorrow!

So It's Been Awhile...

I had good intentions when I started this blog, really I did. Kind of like the start of the school year where I would promise myself that I would read every chapter of every book and complete every assignment to the best of my ability. That usually lasted one week. After that, I would remember that I liked socializing too much to actually do everything that my teacher wanted. Don't worry, I did very well in school, it came easy to me. I always feel like I have to tell people that after this statement is said: "Your brother is a brain surgeon?? What happened to you???". Yes, my brother is a brain surgeon. Yes, that conversations has taken place (more than once). But, I'm cool with it now thanks to the epic film,
Legally Blonde.

So...what have we been up to this summer? We've been swimming often and I have my first tan lines since 2007 and that just makes me happy. We have been on boats, jet skis, to water parks, many play dates at many houses, have hosted many play dates and have pretty much just enjoyed life. We have it good. We have good families and good friends.

Brady is going to be 3 in a few weeks. Three. I can not believe it. That little man is just so fun. He's smart (I'm not just saying that, it's legit), funny, crazy, energetic and a good sleeper (like his mama). We don't enjoy anything before 10 a.m. Most days he does not roll out of bed until after 10 and for that, I'll forgive him the 18 hours of labor. He loves going to the preschool area at church and has asked about starting preschool. Since he won't start kindergarten until he is 6, due to his birthdate, we are not ready to send him to preschool for 3 years. I can't handle the idea of that much tuition (I know, I sound cheap, but $2000 a year for 4 hours a week is CRAZY!) and more importantly, I need him home with me for a few more years. That's right, I said need. He's my buddy, we're on the same team against dragons (this was discovered yesterday) and he melts my heart. I'm not giving that up a second before I have to. So...we are doing homeschool preschool this year. I have put my foot in my mouth once again. It will be pretty simple and more or less me playing "teacher" like I played "house" as a little girl, but it will be fun. He'll learn and get to organize things (another trait I am proud to have passed on). We'll make more intentional educational outings and hopefully form a co-op for next year. It'll be fun.

And where do I start with the one and only Ella Bean? That girl is just delicious. She has not lost those chunker cheeks yet, so I pretend to eat them. This was working well until Brady decided to eat Ella too. He did not realize we do not use our teeth..whoops. Anyway, she started walking a few months ago, but rarely does. Girlfriend prefers to run. And climb. And eat dog food. I have found her in the closet with the bag of dog food. She has a ridiculous vocabulary. It's amazing. I wonder where she got that talking a lot trait from...hmmm... She now packs a diaper bag, puts it on her shoulder, and tells us she is going bye bye. If a bag is not to be found, but it's laundry day, she'll just use dirty clothes. She's fun.

David and I have a good life. Love those munchkins....

Brady's Birth Story

I have been inspired to capture my children's birth stories. So here's chapter one...

Brady’s entrance into the world started in the fall of 2007. I had baby fever….bad! I wanted to start our family, but David was not completely on board, so I did not push it. Then one day he gave me a card with a binky and told me he was ready to try. We both thought it would take a while to get pregnant, so I wanted to have plenty of time. We decided to try to get pregnant the week of Thanksgiving. The week before Christmas we found out we were pregnant.
It was a Sunday night when we had a positive pregnancy test. David and I went to Target to buy a test because I had some minor signs that I could be pregnant. Honestly, I thought I was just being dramatic. But, we were bored, so off to Target we went. We ran into my sister and my Dad there (they were Christmas shopping for my Mom), but I hid the pregnancy test because I did not want speculation to start. So, we went home and took the test. I threw it away after a few minutes, certain it was negative. I went into the living room and just hung out with David for a few minutes. For whatever reason, I thought I should check the test one more time. I grabbed a tissue and took that test back out of the garbage. I could not believe it when I saw that blessed second line. I was astounded. I googled pregnancy test pictures to see if the line was dark enough to be real…seriously. I could not believe we were already pregnant. I called the doctor the next day to schedule an appointment. We went in that Tuesday for a pregnancy test. They took my urine sample to confirm that I was pregnant. It came back negative. I was devastated. David had brought along our pregnancy test in a Ziploc bag and showed it to the nurse. She said that was definitely positive. I asked for a blood test and they agreed. We had to wait until the next day for the results. That night was so incredibly long. I called the next morning as soon as the doctor’s office opened. That was December 19th, 2007. The nurse told me that I was indeed pregnant. I was ecstatic. I called David at work, but he did not answer. I wanted him to be the first to know, so I had to keep calling and calling. I tried to trick him, but he caught on. We were elated. We told everyone!
The pregnancy progressed well. I felt nauseous the first trimester and was exhausted, but still hanging in there. I loved the second trimester and could not wait until April when we would find out the gender of our first born. I was pretty positive we were going to have a little boy, but wanted to have it confirmed. He behaved wonderfully for the ultrasound tech and I was looking at David when she said “It’s a boy”. I’ll never forget David’s face. We went to Old Navy after the appointment and bought him his first outfits. I was so proud to show off his ultrasound pictures, I took them everywhere.
Everything was going well until our 33rd week. I had gained the right amount of weight and was feeling pretty good. I woke up on a Wednesday morning in July with some puffiness in my face and hands and what I thought were contractions. David and I happened to both be home that morning. I called the doctor and they were able to see me 15 minutes later. Dr. Firestein examined me and sent me to Good Sam to report to the Triage floor. I was scared, but found comfort knowing that we were at least 33 weeks along and that my contractions were not regular. The kept me in triage for about six hours before admitting me to the hospital. After two long, horrible nights at the hospital, the doctor sent me home on strict bed rest. I was devastated, but prepared to do whatever it took to keep my little man healthy and in there longer.
After four weeks of bed rest, I had had it. I was emotionally drained and missed the world. One night, I had a weird feeling that my blood pressure was high. I had never had blood pressure problems before, but I just had a feeling. I took my blood pressure with an electronic cuff and it was crazy high. I woke David up and took his to make sure the cuff was working. His was normal. We called Triage and the doctor was not worried. I did not like this, but could not do anything at that time. The next day, the doctor on call called me to check in on me. She wanted to see me right away. I went into the office that day and she decided to induce me at 1 a.m. (a day and a half later) due to hypertension. I was nervous and yet relieved that we were going to meet our little man.
We had to be at Good Sam at midnight on August 14th. I packed so many bags, I looked ridiculous. I did not care though, I had weeks to make our checklists and we were not going to leave anything unprepared. They began my induction at 1 a.m. The nurse that came in to get all my IV’s started for my Pitocin did a very poor job and I had blood all over the sheets. I was hoping she’d change them, but she never did. I should have known this was not a good sign! After about six hours, I asked for the epidural. I tried to hang in there, but I needed some relief. The epidural was administered and I experienced some moderate relief. After a little bit of time, it wore off and I was in a lot of pain. The worst part was that I could not get up and move because of the epidural. I know visitors starting coming in at this point, but it gets hazy. I know David’s Mom was up there, as well as my sister and my Mom. I told my Dad to stay at work and just come up after. I was not too optimistic that we would have our little guy before 5 p.m. I think David’s family was beginning to gather in the waiting room, but I was too exhausted to pay any attention to this. I did not want anyone in the labor room but David. I was just too miserable to be the “hostess”. We watched hours of the Office on DVD, but after a while it did not distract me anymore. David’s Mom brought him a sandwich and he apologized like crazy for eating it. The last I wanted to do was eat, no apology necessary! The time all seems to mix together here, but I know that at one point the nurses and doctor rushed in because they were concerned about the baby. They put a monitor on his head and put an oxygen mask on me. I started having panic attacks and the nurse bent down to coach me through it. I was so scared. I tried to rest, but it would not come. I begged the nurse to do something about the epidural. The doctor came back in and gave me stronger drugs. They worked for about 20 minutes and I was back to square one. I kept begging the nurse to fix the epidural, but she insisted it was fine. Around 7:00 p.m., the doctor finally came in and told me that he would need to perform a c-section because the baby was not descending. I was so happy, I cried. I just wanted it to be over. I asked David to grab my family so I could see them. My Mom, Dad, and sister came in the room while they were putting orders in for my surgery. I just wanted to see them to help ease my nerves. They rushed me down to get my c-section. David did not even have time to grab the cameras. Our first pictures of our son are on an iPhone. All the weeks of preparation to make his entrance into this world perfect and we did not even have a camera. Lesson number one in parenting….it is never what you expect.
When I entered the operating room, things went crazy fast. The nurses and doctors were all a part of a team and I loved how they worked so well together and were relaxed. It helped me to calm down and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could feel the doctor pulling the baby out, but it was not pain, just pressure. At 7:37 p.m., Brady Davison entered our world. I was so exhausted; I could barely open my eyes. I turned my head to the left, saw that beautiful little person and fell asleep. I was able to rest knowing that his Daddy was taking care of him.
At some point later, I was wheeled into the recovery room. I was shaking so bad that I was scared to hold Brady. David left to tell the family he was here and safe. Two people at a time were allowed to be back in the recovery room, so he took turns letting people come back. It was wonderful seeing our family love our little man, but I was so tired that I just did not know how long I could make it. I just wanted my Mom to be there and to take care of me. It’s amazing how even when we become moms ourselves, we still need our own.
After that day (and the complications that followed), I told David I could not ever do it again. Brady was so worth it, but I could not imagine ever going through it again. I don’t think you ever forget the bad parts, but you heal from it. And 21 months later, Brady became a big brother.

The Bliss of Ignorance

I am aging. I don't care what you 50 somethings say, I am getting old. As of Sunday, I am officially in my late 20s, which means, I'm kind of a grown up.

I know growing up isn't all bad, but I really, really liked being young. But for now, I've decided to grab life by the horns, accept the fact that I am too old to shop in some stores, and drive my minivan like the mama that I am.

The good thing about getting up in years is that you do get wiser. You learn things that you could only possibly learn from life experience and from "being there". I often find myself thinking, "If I'd only known then what I know now"...

But the truth is, I'm glad I did not always know what I know now. If I would have known how much a broken heart hurts, I never would have loved with wreckless abandon. I would have kept walls up and never let anybody in. And we won't even go into if I knew how hard marriage was going to be, but then again, if I would have known how great it was going to be, I could have made even more mistakes to get there sooner.

I learned at a young age that kids can and do die. That's a harsh truth to have to come to terms with. When I was 12, a friend of mine died after being hit by a car. I'll never forget how life changing that was. Ever since then, when I hear of a death, I immediately think of the enormous amount of pain so many people are going through because of the loss of one person. Though I learned this lesson young, I am glad I did not know anything much about death before then. If I would have know that kids really did die young and were not invincible, I would not have had at least 12 years of that bliss.

I am glad that I did not know that my niece was going to have brain cancer at 3 years old. The argument could be made that we would have been even more diligent about our time with her, etc., but then we would have had a dark cloud over us the first 3 years of her life. Everytime she hit a milestone, we would have been thinking,"This is amazing, but she's in for something horrible soon". And I am glad that we did not know that she was going to be a survivor right when she was diagnosed. I know...that sounds really grim, but if we would have known, we would not have spent hours on our knees praying and becoming closer with God. We would not know as much about His love and mercy and peace.

And I am glad that I did not know how hard parenting was going to be. There is no way to prepare yourself to have a part of your soul walking around outside you. There is no way to prepare yourself for the crazy amount of love you'll have for this little person. There is also no way to prepare yourself for how stinking hard it is going to be. How you are "on the clock" 24 hours a day. How you can never slack off at your job because a little future depends on it and because the last thing you want to do is give less than 100%. How your body will never be the same and you won't even have time to try to help get it there. How you become one of those people who deal with bodily fluids all day and do not mind because it's your munchkins. How you will go out in public realizing that your child is dressed way nicer than you because you have not shopped for yourself since that baby was born. But what I am really glad about is that I am living in bliss over how hard it is going to be to send them out into this harsh world, hoping that they will cling to the fact that they will always come home to a mom and dad who love them regardless and to the fact that they have a God who loves them. I am really dreading the day when I see my kid get left out. Or the day one of them is hurt because people are just plain mean somedays (and as a warning to all of you out there, hell hath no fury will be the understatement of the year if I get involved...just letting you know).

For now I am going to enjoy my ignorance. I am going to look back at the past and be thankful that I could be blissful then, but that I am wiser in so many areas. And I am going to live in the present, always striving to learn more, but smile because I don't yet know what those old 30 somethings know :)

And I'm Turning Into My Dad As Well

Recently I have realized that I am also turning into my father. My Dad is a great guy and has a lot of wonderful things about him, I just never thought of all the things I could pick up from him, this would be it.

My Dad loves simplicity. He loves that he grew up in the 50s and 60s where kids played in the streets, Dads went to work in the one family car, Moms stayed home and cooked big meals, and the whole neighborhood sat on their porches at night. When we were growing up, he always said how he wanted things simpler. He thought we only needed one car (by the time I was 16, we had four), he did not see any need for power windows, and he still does not know how to check voicemail on his cell phone (and the only reason he has a cell phone is because my Mom got him one).

I do not think that all these things are bad, I just finally get where he was coming from. I no longer want a huge house. I always thought that I would be so happy if we had a huge house...and growing up I often expressed my discontent to my parents that we only had a 3 bedroom house. Now that I have a mortgage and have to do the cleaning and repairs (well maybe David does those), I get it. I don't want to spend my whole pay check or all of my free time on my house. I love redecorating and turning our house into a home (I think I have redecorated the living room six times in four years, no kidding), but when that becomes my identity, there is something wrong. David and I dream of building our own house one day, but I am okay with building something small, I just want it to be ours...a smaller version of the house from the Notebook would do just fine :)

I see where he was coming from with technology too. I am by no means against technology...I am sitting in my kids' playroom as I type this, watching them play and catching up on my to do list, but it makes me sad when technology has replaced so many real things. I still have a basic Nokia phone. No internet. No e-mail sent directly to my phone. I see why people have these options on their phones. David greatly benefits from having a GPS on his phone for work and it is convenient when we are out. I just hate it that people are so glued to their phones. Are we really so important that a work e-mail can't wait until tomorrow...or at least until we get to our home office? Or do we just need to feel that important? It's just sad that so many of us find our identity in that. I recently thought about getting a Blackberry, just so my calendar could be on my phone. I was not having enough time in the day to look at my day planner, so I thought that would simplify my life. And then I realized that there is something wrong with the fact that I don't have ten minutes a day to look at a planner and schedule things. I know that having kids makes life more difficult, but I must being doing something wrong if I don't have ten minutes. I did think about how nice it would be to be able to check e-mails at any time, but then I reminded myself that my kids do not need to be raised in a home where their parents are constantly working, even when not at work. And when it comes down to it, my brother is a neurosurgeon and he does not even have a cell phone for every day use and his job survives without him, so I think we are good.

While I'll still learn about technology and enjoy my DVR and laptop, I think I will remind myself of the simple things in life that make life so good. I don't want to look back over my life and remember days of checking my e-mail and phone messages while my kids played in the background. Because the number of e-mails I receive and how fast I respond to them does not make me who I am and it certainly is not how I want my life to be measured.

I'm Turning Into My Mother (and that's okay)

I think the first few years of parenting, you just have to come to grips with the fact that you will have your foot in your mouth. At all times. It is nothing short of pure embarrassment how I was so critical of my parents, siblings, and even friends on their parenting styles. And then I had Brady. We won't even talk about how much worse of a hypocrite I became when I had Ella just 21 months later. I think God did that on purpose. Humility is something I was lacking.

My Mom and Dad always let us sleep with them. At one point, all three of us kids slept in bed with them. Did I mention they had a queen size bed? Yep. When I was pregnant with Brady, I was sure to tell my parents that we would never do that. It was too dangerous and my baby would be able to sleep on his own. Then we spent five weeks sleeping upright on the couch holding Brady. We knew we would have to change something, so we bought the Snugglenest. Cosleeping without actually cosleeping. That worked until he was three months old. Then he slept in his own bed as long as it was in our room. Then at ten months old, he discovered the beauty of a pillowtop mattress. We have not had the bed to ourselves since June 2009. When Ella came along, we tried to keep her in her own bed, but she just would not have it. We were tired enough that we let her in too. And that's how it works for us. I know there are people who are scared of cosleeping, but it is actually the most natural thing for a family. If parents have alcohol or drugs in their system, this will not work, but if you are sober, it has proven to actually help prevent accidents. Will we always sleep like this? Of course not. When the kids are ready, they'll have their own beds. I don't even remember sleeping with my parents because I was on my own by a young age. But I love that they let me. I love that they believed like I do, that an infant should not have to cry it out and figure life out for themselves. God gave us the beautiful gift of babies and He trusted us to love them and hug them when they cry.

My Mom always let us pick out our own outfits. Perhaps it was because it was the 80s and 90s when she had kids, so she did not see any point in trying to help the cause, but I love that she let us. It gave us a sense of independence and pride that we had put our outfit together. No matter how neon it ended up being. I have to say that I do not let Brady just go into his closet and pick out clothes, but it turns out that I am becoming more and more laid back on this. He even wore his tacky Toy Story shoes today when I would have preferred the nice brown ones :)

My Mom always had time for us. The mess could wait. I am extremely organized and OCD and hate it when anything is out of place. I used to tell David that our house should look like a magazine, like no one actually lives here. And then I had a toddler who asks to snuggle and I had a baby who needs to be held when she cries. So our house is so incredibly far from perfect. And that's okay. I should not receive my pride on how my house looks. I receive joy in the smiles on my kids faces as they play and stamp (even our floor this week, but it was washable, phew). And now I finally get why my Mom was okay with cleaning up later.

We moved from our first house when I was around five. I still remember sitting on the couch one night with my Mom. She was letting me sit on her lap and I was snuggling on her, my head under her chin. That's what she had time for. She did not run around the house like a crazy lady, yelling at all of us to make our beds and organize our toys. She just loved us. I remember that night saying that a woman on TV was pretty, but I immediately told my Mom after that that she was much prettier. I never wanted my Mom to doubt that I thought she was the most beautiful person in the world.

So I'm going to go step over laundry that needs to be put away and toys that should be in the playroom and play with my kids. Maybe even have a dance party, unless Brady yells at me for embarrassing him, because that is what moms do. And it's okay that my house is a mess, my Mom was the only one that saw it that way today and to her, that means that I finally get it.

Why I'm Not A Thrifter

I have a few friends who are amazing thrifters. They can go to just about any thrift shop and find the chic-est, most stylish finds. I used to go with one of my friends back in high school. I ended up buying one of my favorite sweatshirts there, but that's all I have to show for it. She is one of those people who can go to a thrift shop and find a t-shirt that you can pull off with jeans and stilettos. I, on the other hand, find t-shirts you can wear to the gym, but even those look a little cheesy.

I have thought about becoming one of those thrifters. Those people who manage to always look great in their own style, but I still have not gone to a thrift store. Not even for my kids. It makes total sense for us to shop at those stores. David and I both have jobs that lead us to say "we do the job because we like to help people, not for the money", which is 100% true, but still kind of funny on the bank account. But, even as I thought about going recently as I am still hanging onto some baby weight, I have not gone, and I think I know why.

To be a thrifter, you have to see the potential in an item. What you could pair it with, how you could make it work for you. I don't like that. I like having items that are already pretty and perfect. The kind that are crisp and new and when I hang them on the clothesline downstairs, they are just waiting for the next season to hit so that I can wash them and put them away like some sort of prize that promises with a new season comes a fresh start. And this leads me to an "area for improvement" (as a job would tell you) in my own life. I want people, life, everything, to not be from a thrift shop. I want everything to be perfect and new and crisp and clean. I don't want to search for the potential in it.

I want my husband to be perfect. I don't want to have to look for potential in him. I want my body to be brand new after having my kids. I don't want to have to look in the mirror and tell myself why it is okay that I do not look like my 20 year old self anymore. I want my house to be fresh and clean and organized, I don't want to look at my pink bathroom and brainstorm how pretty it could be.

I am so glad that God does not have anything against thrifting. He looks at us and sees the potential for greatness in our lives. I wonder what it would be like if I could look at people and do the same.