He is Enough

Last night I kind of went a little crazy on my husband.  It was late, the baby is almost six weeks so she is at that phase where she is fussy a lot, and I had done that really bad habit of mine of letting things bottle up and then getting mad at my husband for not reading my mind.  So....I let him know that I felt very unappreciated for all the nights that I had been staying up late with Kinsley, getting up with her in the middle of the night, getting up early with Brady and Ella, and then staying home with them all day because we have been in lock down mode due to the flu season.  The crazy part is that he has never said that he will not get up with the baby during the week (he always does on the weekend).  He has never said that I can't leave the house when he gets home from work.  He has actually taken the big kids outside as much as possible to play in the snow.  I just got mad because honestly, I am exhausted.

After doing about a million or so dishes this evening and then starting what I can only imagine is the first of about thirty loads of laundry (okay, that is a slight exaggeration, but my son really had no underwear today and I had to have him wear a diaper, but he was a good sport and pretended it was underwear...seriously), I went upstairs to take my shower.  While I was showering (and trying to not obsess about my to do list), all I could do was think about everything I should have done today, this week, last week, five years ago, etc.  It really got me thinking of how often I do this through out the day, every day.  This is how my mind works:

-When I get up in the morning:

• I should have gone to bed earlier
• No, I should have stayed up later and cleaned the house, completed a project, etc.
• I should have gotten up before the kids
• I should have had our clothes laid out

-At some point during the day

• I should have gone to the store to buy (insert item) yesterday
• I should have read to the kids more
• I should have been more patient
• I should have made a different parenting choice
• I should have called/e-mailed so and so
• I should have been a better friend/daughter/wife/mother/employee

-At night

• I should have worked out
• I should have made better food choices
• I should have said something different
• I should have planned better when I was younger
• I should have been smarter with our money
• I should have majored in something different in college
• I should have been wiser when I was younger

And the list goes on.  I do not always phrase things this way, so I think that I do not even realize it when my self talk is going down this path.  The enemy is tricky like that and he likes to see us spend our time focusing on everything we have done wrong.  A lot of my "I should haves" are true.  I should have made better choices, but I didn't.

When I was thinking about writing this post, I was going to titled it "You are Enough" because I needed to tell myself that.  I was trying to make myself realize that all I am doing is enough and that I am doing my best.  Which is true.  But, when I went to read my Jesus Calling devotional tonight and I seriously starting crying.  God spoke directly to me on this subject.  The devotional tonight started off by saying to not be ashamed of my exhaustion, that God has made this an opportunity for Him to take charge of my life.  It continued by saying do not wish things were different (for background here, I am beyond blessed with my life now and have an amazing family, but I tend to have a whole lot of regret about bad decisions I made when I was younger), but to focus on Him and allow Him to lead me.  It concluded by telling me that my constant battle was against "the world, the flesh, and the devil" and that is why I am so weary.  I need to put my hope in Him and stop fighting these things.  The battle has already been won.  I need to stop trying to fight a battle that God has already more than conquered.

I realized that the title of this post should not be about myself being enough because I am not.  God is enough for me.  He is enough for my family. He is enough to cover all the things that are on my to do list.  I just need to trust Him to guide me through each day and He will.  He always has.